Oh 2022, you look exactly the same as 2021, and I am only on day 3. It is absurd to impose a number on a group of days and declare that they will be different to the previous group. This completely ignores the cycles to which all life is subject. It reminds me of the hope people put into politics: their candidate will change the world. Yes, she will, but only if her presence coincides with things that would have happened anyway.
I have been encouraged to believe that 2022 will be a good year for me, but my sources are vague and notoriously unreliable. It is probably better to resign myself now, and accept that things will continue the way they have been in the past. Unless I am about to crest a wave I cannot even feel, much less see, I do not think a damned thing will be different. I will continue to be stressed by the same things, respond in predictable ways, and chide myself for not getting up earlier.
Even so, there is room for optimism. I put together a list of the things I hope to complete this year, rather than pencil any resolutions. Change does not conveniently occur on January 1; it occurs when things align and the way forward opens. By writing down what I would like to complete, I am announcing, at least to myself, that I have some hope for the year, and some faith in myself for moving forward. Most of the projects are already in train, and of course there will be many others between, but even if my completion rate is a poor 50%, that’s still pretty good.
Finish Going to Gee’s House. This is a picture book for my grandchild. It is printed and I am now working on the silkscreen illustrations. This is a technique that I am not very good at, and part of my plan is to get better at it. This will mean the book will be crappy in the beginning at good at the end. This project is currently about 25% complete. (Edition of 10)
Finish flower book This one is at least 18 months in and I vacillate between wanting to get it done and forgetting about it completely. It is 8 reduction engravings of seeds with silkscreen illustrations of the flowers they produce. Between the illustrations I will put information about habitat and native area. I have 2 prints to go; my estimate is that it is 60% complete. (Edition of 5)
Finish quilt During 2020 lockdown I put together a quilt for my son. I hadn’t made one in over 20 years and reacquainting myself with long-forgotten techniques was humbling. Also, my sewing machine wasn’t working properly. I finished the top and began hand-quilting. I do not find the process as compelling as I did all those years ago, but I do like it. This one is maybe 25% complete.
Finish An Alliterative Alphabet I am not too hopeful about this one. I have printed all the capital letters but need to do all the little phrases and pictures. I got through about 8 letters in the first version before scrapping it all and starting again. The idea was to showcase some chromatic type, but I am afraid I may lose interest before it’s done. I put this one at 10%. (Edition of 5)
Finish writing Pommas book Following up on 2021’s book about my years in Fairfax, I am slowly and painfully writing about the 18 months I spent living in France when I was a teen (the farm where we lived is called Pommas). Since it has been difficult so far, I am cutting myself some slack in setting my expectations rather low. This one is 2% toward done. (Edition of 10)
Print the next grandchild book This one is written (took me about half an hour—just a bunch of silly rhymes). It is a sampler of sorts, with the child’s name repeated on every page in a different typeface, along with an animal or other thing with the implication that the whole world shares the same name. 1% complete. (Edition of probably 10)
Get better at silkscreen
Get better at setting type
Get better at quality control
Take more photos
Post more content
Sell some shit
I’m leaving out the obvious like “love more” and “laugh more” because how do I measure those? and also, they are a given. Plus, reading them when other people say them makes me a little sick in the mouth and being a cynic, no one wants to read it from me too. It’s akin to “feeling joy in my heart”. I do, but I am not going to talk about it. I am a lot more attached to the negative because it gives me a foothold to push against. Whether I have a smile on my face or not, I am always standing at the edge of the abyss. Chaos is ever ready to welcome me in those loving arms. (And that is what it is like to live with the demon of depression. God. How did I get here??)